| | Im in a ranting mood right now and no ones available to hear my shit.... so here I go....
My current away message
"Thoughts running threw my head... its different now,... but it brings
up the past and the mistakes I made and the things I should have
done... what to do.....
How I long for her to just call... the walks weve had,... the numerous
occasions weve hung out... how it all builds up to this one moment,...
the one moment ive missed yet again.... Tomorrow is another day."
I have no idea where to begin...
I am itching with nervousness .... to calll or not
to call... for a while this person Ive been trying to not think of much
lately... but lately to see her being friendly with some one I knew
worries me... I am ignorant of that situation,.. but what I want is for
me to be the one shes next to chatting along with... for a while in the
past that was me next to her,... but with this special one,... I
couldnt move forward... no matter how many times Ive sat with her in
lunch... in class,... took walks with her at random hours at the night
into morning.... so many times I had a chance to make that move; to say
those simple words of simply "I really like you" ... Tonight was
a night we hung out in a while and she called me back without any
disappointment... she took the time to walk me to the bus stop and to
wait... yet I cant say what my heart wants to say... our silly
meaningless conversations about school gets old and repitive.. how much
I just want to throw my arms around her and just let her know that
their is something more deeper between us... How easy it is for her to
look me in my eyes and smile everytime she sees me,.. and every time I
return that same jesture.... I know theirs something there but I cant
grasp onto it and I dont know why... The names and durations of all the
other girls Ive been with seems completely different from this bond I
have with this one.. and how I urge this bond and yet I emulate it to
the ones Ive been through with the others.... how much she changed me
and how much I'm into her and yet I havent held her hand or kissed her
on the check... it is an empty feeling.. but yet I replace it with
something new that I want to grow up on, yet it fails... why am I into
this one yet nothing deep has occured? Can I live my life knowing
that I havent tried and missed every situation I could have? Can I be
with someone else and be happy? Is happiness out there but why must I
try and work for it.
Im happy now but its different..as much as I like having someone or let
alone close with someone I still feel empty,.. I like what I have
now but it seems I can lose it easily,.. but why? Is it me,... and if
it is me,.. will it happen when I'm finally with the one I longed to be
with... perhaps I throw myself to easily and expose myself and open
myself vulnerablly for an attack that leads to a temprary and fake
heart break... the kiss we had, I enjoyed every moment of it,... I dont
know what to think or what to feel,.... thats my problem and I know
it,.. I think too much... who knows how long this can last...
Its true that I long to be with that special someone,... but who is
that special someone... the one I longed to be with and have yet to
show my true affection for... or the other where it feels that Ive
opened up alot and now it seems were fading away... these two
situations completely different... communication is important in any
relationship; this is true.... how much is too much? Whats really
there? What am I doing? I ask these rhetorical questions to myself all
the time,.. but why? Whats really there!? What is love,... and is
this love or am I just a weird person striving for someone, perhaps
obsessive,.. most definitly emotive... what I want right now... is
someone just looking in my eyes and me feel comfort... someone to fall
asleep next to and feel that Im not alone... not right now....
My thoughts and feelings are scattered,.. like I said before
communication is the foundation on any relation... why do I sleep next
to the phone knowing that it wont ring or have my AIM on and not have a
special message waiting for me... right now I want to be with
someone.... with her or her,... but one of these if not both will
tumble before my very eyes because of me,.. I know it, and it will be
my fault.
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| | Posted 4/23/2005 2:02 AM - 1 View - 8 eProps - 5 comments
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